I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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