sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize