He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
