I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
as a side note pls kill me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize