I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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