I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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