Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
