The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
