u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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