I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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