So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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