im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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