Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
