new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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