I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
