we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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