i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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