Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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