I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
