Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
