I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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