mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
