ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
