it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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