So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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