We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
