soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
