He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
