Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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