Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
