How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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