I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
