Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i believe in u and ur pee
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
