im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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