I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
