i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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