you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
