hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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