Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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