omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
please don't ironically join a cult
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