i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
