I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
