You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
