dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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