you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
