But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
