I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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