my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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