My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
