we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
