dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
