I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
