I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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