Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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