420 ftw
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
