I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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