Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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