no, he came in my armpit
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
