The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
