I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
