Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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